I am told that the best advice should be taken by example, and thus I have taken TheO's example of Apnea. This is the art of breath holding, something he has proved adept at, particularly when in an uncomfortable situation. I have purchased some fins of a necessary length, vital in this sport, and am preparing myself to go 'Underwater on a single breath' as Umberto Pelizzari refers to it. The good lady remarked I should stay there. Her sense of humour is really improving, despite informing me that most of what I do and say is 'really NOT funny”

TheO is now 12 weeks old. He has started to smile and giggle, proving that I can make someone laugh at least. He seems to be slipping into a routine, although this does involve much pandering to his every need, I think this is the real reason I have taken to the exploring the sea-bed.



TheO prior to entering HIS sea bed, or should that be cot?

I really don't get it. We left England some time ago, way back in September, just as all the old people started to complain of the encroaching winter. I would meet them in the street, five jumpers and a M&S cardigan, shivering and filling out forms for extra coal or something. Some fly here to Malta and avoid the English winter totally. It's cheap and the temperature rarely drops belown10°C, or thereabouts. To my amazement, I saw about a dozen OAP's swimming in the sea. No wetsuits, no Lard and no Cardigans. This got me thinking. Isn't it always the more mature that break the ice and swim in the Serpentine? This would be hazardous enough, but in the middle of winter? So what is it. Hot, Cold or not sure? I'm not chicken, but I think I'll wait a while before I take a dunk!

TheO is developing well. His lungs at the moment are his best assets, able to complete a 40 second winge in one breath. He is also able to smile for a similar length of time. Cuts you right to 'art it does! He has become very aware of his surroundings and bright objects around him (like his mum!) and I swear he says “Hello' to me. Stares me right in the eyes and say's it. I found that singing him the “Hokey Cokey” is the best way to calm him down, putting his left leg in, his left leg out, seems to take his mind of things. Overall, things are progressing very well, but I do miss a good night down the local, eh!



Smile, and the world smiles with you!

Six weeks have now gone by, in this time TheO has gone through four thousand nappies, 32 packets of baby 'wipes' and four jars of anti nappy rash cream. He has had more fun feeding than daddy has in ages, ahem, and still he sleeps. This is a bit of a lie as he cried a lot yesterday for no reason at all, but I don't count that, or the time last week when he went utterly ballistic because I lost his pacifier. I think he has his mother's knack getting things sorted, quickly.

Weather has improved 10 fold, and I was blessed with a visit from the family. Fantastic time had by all, The weather was stunning and even prompted a quick dip in the sea by those braver than I. The outlaws even threw a party for little Theo, with a cake and crisps. Daddy made sure there was more than enough Vino for everybody to get utterly plastered. I wanted to put something in the punch, but alas, the best laid plans…

This weekend sees the Malta Carnival. Apparently they all dress up like goons and try to be funny. This doesn't strike me as out of character for the locals as I find them always like that, but I'll entertain anything, for a while. The good lady has a good chum visiting for the weekend, so I wonder who will be left holding the baby! Praise be for the out-laws, they don't know what a storm awaits.



The Sleeping Storm light, going on ballistic

Time speeds by like a racing Maltese youth in a suped up Kia. Baked bean tin as an exhaust outlet and a sticker in the windscreen saying something like 'stuff your jealousy' I can still smell the Homebase emulsion paint job as he proudly flouts every single guide to intelligent driving in the Highway code. Generally, if you say anything to these guys like, 'my right of way I think!” they kill you, your family, your friends, their friends…. It's like something out of a Martin Scorsese movie, but a bit more violent. I just ignore them.

It has been raining forever over here, or so it seems. Everything is wet. Washing doesn't dry. I am too mean to invest in an Umbrella, so it's just as well that we have started to have clear skies and warm temperatures. The locals behave like witchdoctors saying things like 'It's here for the summer' and ''you can say goodbye to the rain now' Thus' with a spring in my step, I am filled with optimism and expectancy for summer has truly arrived! This afternoon it rained cats and dogs. The only explanation I got from those in the know was “ha”

Theo is now four weeks old. I have just realised the he could be called 'The O' or even 'The O Joe' but hope that school will be kind to him. He has really started to grow now and has some very strange looks. I plan to document these at some stage, perhaps in a book. 'The O Joes book of strange looks' possibly. He has just started to smile at me but I fear this is just wind. He also looks at me in a very terse way. Lips very firm and closed, 'Don't mess with ME daddy' he could be saying. I think he means it.




The O Joe, and he means it!

I seem to be suffering from a baby virus. I first became aware of this when I was kept awake for most of the night 10 days ago. It was OK, and I was left with a small package that made noises from time to time, nothing I couldn't handle. However, over the last week, this package, I like to refer to it as the 'theO' virus, has started to spread throughout my flat, attaching itself to all aspects of my very existence. All available space has been taken up with “theO' type toys and living things such as nappies, changing mats and other stuff. Another symptom is that the good lady has gone deaf. When I ask her things like 'what's for dinner” or “a cup of tea would be nice” I'm met with no reaction at all. Nothing. Weird.

Another thing I have latterly found a bit weird is the word 'Ha' It seems to be a Maltese word to mean many things, and is unique to inhabitants of this Island. It is delivered in the same way a Cat might deliver a fur-ball, but with a bit more gusto. If you go into a shop and ask if the have gas bottles* they might go 'Ha' followed by a reason why they haven't got any (this is usually a lie)

This is a bit difficult to explain so I'll give an example:

I walk into a shop that sometimes sells gas bottles. The bloke behind the counter is smoking loads of fags and has thick glasses.

Me: Hello, have you got any gas bottles please.
Bloke: Ha. We have got some, but we don't have any but try tomorrow.
Me: You'll have some tomorrow?
Bloke: No, but try tomorrow.
Me: Are you getting a delivery tomorrow?
Bloke: No, but try, Ha.

My heard hurts. I get cold a lot here too. Anyway, The young'un is thriving. Seems to be growing at an alarming rate. He is so good, sleeps all day and sleeps all night, although he does throw in a few night-time tantrums when he feels like it.



The 'theO' in full form, scary

*(gas bottles are used for heating as there don't seem to be any central heating systems here, too warm although you could have fooled me. Also used to cook with)

-- Haven't got time for an entry, but will post in a couple of hours!

Oh well. I was foolish to imagine I would be left with time to tap some keys and deliver more banal banter. Time goes quickly when your getting to know a small one. At times WE have been kept up for most of the night, only to have Theo sleep all day. This calls for a change of strategy, not that we really had one in the first place. He now seems to have settled down and we are getting to know the finer elements of things like, nappies and their positioning, tightness and ensuring Theo 'dresses' correctly. I have taken to wearing protective Perspex glasses, if you know what I mean!!